Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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