Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
