it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is it penis luge time yet?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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