I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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