Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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