is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
