did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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