wakey wakey hands off snakey
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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