Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
