And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize