remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
