...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
