dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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