My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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