The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
