he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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