Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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