It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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