she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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