I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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