Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
