dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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