walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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