I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
