I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
