I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
