did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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