I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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