I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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