Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
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He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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