I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
