We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
