I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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