I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
