it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
