Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
