Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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