So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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