Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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