Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
