I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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