i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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