my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
