Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
