the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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