Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
