I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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