My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
