Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
