Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
