You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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