I wish my penis had an off switch
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
