When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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